Paul Ross: the perfect picture

'If you only buy one 20 inch canvas print of Paul Ross this year, this is the one to get.'

'I recently purchased this poster, and while it's lifelike, well made and had a certain, portly charm to it, I have since found out that it's actually *cheaper* to hire Paul Ross to come over and stand against a wall, whenever you feel the need to look at him.'

Those people at Amazon didn't know what they were starting when they opened up their website to customer reviews. Paul Ross has a particularly high satisfaction rating.

A year of change

Happy 2009 - and here's to a year of, erm, change (we can believe in).

Venus, he purrs

The Wimbledon coverage (Radio 5 Live, on a loop) continued to perk me up to the end, particularly with regard to any swooning over Venus Williams, for years round at mine known as Little Vixen Rising. ‘A lot of people fancy Venus, full stop,’ said one commentator to another at the start of the final with her sister Serena.

‘So, how’s she looking?’ said the first commentator. ‘She’s looking pretty sharp,’ replied the second with the reliable tone of an Old Speckled Hen drinker. ‘She’s unbelievably fit. She’s in a piratical outfit and her tanned and muscular arms are revealed by a sleeveless vest. Seeing her in the flesh is some sight.’ (Hmm, best switch on the telly to check this out, I thought, but keep the commentary going . . .)

‘Her hair’s still wet,’ the first commentator noted, fascinated. ‘She’s obviously just stepped out of the shower and then tied that bandanna around it.’

‘She’s kicking her heels behind her. She’s crouching, she’s crouching, she’s crouching. She’s out there and she’s running and hopping from foot to foot and shadow boxing and there’s a lot of physical domination going on.’

‘She’s well pumped up!’ burst the first commentator, suddenly reckless. ‘The world’s number seven is just dancing around! This is simply great tennis!’

‘Iveta Benesova,’ said the second commentator, suddenly serious. ‘Fourth in the world. Kind of gawky-looking, I’d say. Big strong legs, but – nothing much on top. Unlike Venus!’

A couple of days later, I shuffled into the kitchen at night only to find Boris Becker in the corner on 5 Live Extra, riffing away, rapt. ‘You know, people are always talking about Venus’s boobs like it’s a kind of pose, but she's just naturally like that. She’s always been like that. She’s always been big. I saw her when whe was just 15 and I’m telling you – it’s simply the way she is.’

Okay it was Rafael Nadal rather than Venus Williams and it was his biceps rather than her boobs that the commentators were getting all excited about. And I suppose I should say that it was the New Statesman's radio columnist Antonia Quirke and not me who authored the above piece (about Rafa not Venus, of course) – just in case you were wondering.

David Davis no longer just for whitey

I see that David Davis is no longer merely seeking 'freedom for whitey', as Recess Monkey, Pickled Politics and others put it when he launched his by-election website. His newly-revised website logo (top pic) includes at least one non-whitey, depending on your definition, and what looks like it could be Iain Dale (second from left). Sadly, however, his support seems to have halved since the original version (bottom pic).

Fitness tips for the fainthearted

How did I manage to come back from injury so quickly at my age, someone asked me at football last night, and did I have any tips on fitness training for the flabby or fainthearted? Here’s a routine that I guarantee anyone can cope with, courtesy of my personal trainer Melvyn.

The basic principle is to build up slowly. You don’t need any special equipment and you can do it in the comfort of your own living room. A couple of two-pound sugar bags will do for starters.

Ready to try it? Okay, hold one bag in each hand and raise each arm in turn, first to your side and then straight out in front of you. See how long you can hold them there, but don’t strain – the point is to build up slowly, holding the position for a little longer each day. After a while, you’ll be amazed by your progress. You can do the same thing to build up strength in your legs from a sitting position.

After a few weeks you may want to start using a couple of sugar bags at a time, or raise and hold both arms (or legs) at the same time. Again, don’t strain: build up slowly.

Once you’re comfortable with this level of exercise, give yourself a pat on the back. You’re now ready to move up a level. Try the same exercises as before, only this time with some sugar in the bags.

'City hall refit almost complete, says Boris'

'City Hall refit almost complete, Boris says.’ ‘Boris Johnson to replace bendy Tube.’ ‘Boris Johnson pledges to get tough on things that something should be done about.’ ‘Boris Johnson extends free travel to fare dodgers.’

You’ve got to laugh, haven’t you – and as Hamlet’s mother understood, three weeks is long enough to have been mourning for any king, even Ken.

The above are just a few of the headlines in the ‘You write the news’ section of John O’Farrell’s NewsBiscuit website (‘the news before it happens’). This is one of those rare things on the web: a place for ‘humorous writing’ that is actually humorous.

‘Charity collectors worse than actual disease’ was one recent story by its core team of writers. And my personal favourite: ‘Brown comforted by Labour gains in made-up places.’ This featured the prime minister photographed alongside the Mayor of Casterbridge, with a Downing Street spokesman boasting of gains in places like Ambridge, Holby City and the London Borough of Walford – though angry farmers were blamed for Labour’s failure to take Emmerdale, one of several fantasy locations it had targeted.